Why Wait?

Why Wait? What You Need to Know About the Teen Sexuality Crisis
By Josh McDowell and Dick Day

This book is filled with personal testimonies, which I will put in quotations, and also tells of many consequences of premarital sex. Please pass this around to all your friends, both single and married, so they have this to give to their kids to read, too. I highly recommend this book to all.

“Premarital sex gave me fear as a gift… and shame to wear as a garment. It stole my peace of mind and robbed me of hope in a bright future. Sex smashed my concentration in class to smithereens. My desire for church activities was ground to a pulp. It made crumbs of the trust I had known in Christ… and in men and women. Sex gave me a jagged tea in my heart that even now, seven years later, is still healing.”

“Having premarital sex was the most horrifying experience of my life. It wasn’t at all the emotionally satisfying or the casually-taken experience the world perceives it to be. I felt as if my insides were being exposed and my heart left unattended.”

“It took losing my virginity at a very young age, losing my self-respect and possibly my fertility, helping to ruin another person’s marriage and family life, acquiring a non-curable virus, not getting the fulfillment that sex should provide in marriage, and living with the guilt that Satan always tries to make me feel…for me to realize how detrimental sex before marriage can really be.”

“Dear Mr. McDowell, Can you help me? I’m thirteen and I’ve just ruined my life. I thought Mike really loved me, but last night we had sex for the first time and this morning he told my girl friend that he didn’t want to see me any more. I thought giving Mike what he wanted would make him happy and he’d love me more. What if I’m pregnant? What am I going to do? I feel so alone and confused…I can’t talk to my parents, so could you please write me back and help me. I don’t know how I can go on.”

“The reason I’m writing this is I’m alone and confused. My boyfriend kept pursuing me for sex…I had sex with him thinking that I owed him…Later when I learned I was pregnant he blew up, said to get an abortion, and that it was all my fault. So, to save my parents heartache and to keep Matt, I had an abortion. Now Matt has left me…How can God love me after all I have done? Could you please write me back? I’m just so confused. Can God really love and forgive me?”

A 15 year-old, “When I met my boyfriend at the beginning of my sophomore year, we began having sex as soon as we started kissing. I didn’t really want to at all—I don’t even think he did—but we couldn’t think of any reason why we shouldn’t do it.”

“I had already achieved the impossible. I was almost eighteen and I was still a virgin. I had just never wanted to “do it”…I was very much in love, or thought I was, with a dashing college man, and from time to time he would mention that he had never dated a girl who said no as many times as I had. After a while, my resolve weakened, and since I had no reason to say no, I decided that I would do it to show how much I loved him. I didn’t really want to, but in my own mind I couldn’t rationalize not having sex. I gave in to pressure because saying yes was easier than saying no and trying to explain why not.”

A National Sunday School Association’s Youth Survey asked 3,000 teens what kind of help they would like to receive from their churches. Counseling for sexual problems ranked first among twenty-one items.

“She was extremely young, but she didn’t feel young. It seemed like such a mature jump… from the immature age of twelve to the much more exciting, official-teenager age of thirteen. She really loved being and “acting” older. She thought everything was great! She was an honor student and was also very involved in extracurricular activities. She loved to do things and share deep dark secrets with her best friend. She had a good family and her parents taught her well the difference between right and wrong. She was sensible and had a good head on her shoulders… so it seemed. He was older than she and extremely popular. He was very talented and was always the center of attention. She was overwhelmed with joy when he started to pay special attention to her. She was so pleased when he picked her as a girlfriend, rather than any of the other girls who would have died for the chance. One day he told her, “I love you.” But she had nothing to say in return. She did not love him, yet adored the popularity he gained for her. She was blinded by the new attention she received from that newly discovered “popularity.” Everyone said, “Hi” to her. Everyone wanted to know her. He asked her if he could express his love to her. She said she wasn’t ready. He said, “I love you.” She did not reply. Later he told her something had happened. He said he showed his “love” to someone else. She said it was all right. He said, “I love you.” She was naïve. She looked down and said nothing. She had never had so many friends before. So many people wanted to talk with her. In fact, she noticed that boys were paying a lot more attention to her. But, she stayed with him…because he loved her. Then he told her it had happened again. He showed “love” to someone else, yet he did not really love that someone else. He even told her who the girl was. She looked away. She felt threatened. But he told her, “I love you.” She looked down and quietly replied the same. He told her to show her love for him. She didn’t want to, but she didn’t want to lose him to someone else. So she “showed him love.” She was violated. She was innocent no longer. She broke up with him. He asked her to take him back. He told her, “I love you.” But she rejected him. A few days later, he was “in love” with someone else. She was impure and unwholesome. She was used. She was drowned with shame. She was swallowed up by guilt. She was very alone. She is afraid to love ever again. She knows she can never change the past. She has stained her life…a stain that will never come out. She was extremely young. She finally realized how young.”

Facts about Teenage Sex

By age twenty, 81% of today’s unmarried males and 67% of today’s unmarried females have had sexual intercourse.

The number of never-married teenage girls having intercourse increased by two-thirds in the decade 70’s.

For some teens, oral sex comes before intercourse; 41% of 17 year old girls say they have performed fellatio.

A research study of 5,000 students at 32 educational institutions showed that 25.5% of coeds have been raped or sexually attacked since the age of 14.

A Kent State University study showed that 57% of the coeds that had been raped there were raped by their dates.

Of the teenage girls who give birth out of wedlock, 96% of these girls will keep their babies.

70% of unwed teenage mothers will go on welfare.

If the present trend continues, 40% of today’s 14 year old girls will be pregnant before the age of 20.

Since the popular push for contraceptives for teens, teenage sexual activity and teenage pregnancy have increased almost 400%.

A teenage-relationship survey reveals that “religious conscious girls are 86% more likely to say it’s important to be a virgin at marriage than nonreligious conscious girls. However, religion-conscious girls are only 14% more likely to be virgins than non-religious girls.”

A 16 year old explained why he turned to drugs. “Well, if I can’t feel significant, at least I can feel good.” That is how many teenagers attempt to deal with their problems. They turn to drugs, alcohol, and sex as ways to “feel good.” But those are only temporary avenues of escape, not long-term solutions.

Two deep fears that everyone faces: “Almost every one of you has two fears. First, the fear you’ll never be loved, and second, the fear you’ll never be able to love.” Everyone became very quiet. No one was looking around. I wasn’t surprised.

“My mother kept asking, ‘Why…Why?’ ‘Cause I wanted to be loved, that’s why. Is that so terrible? I wanted someone to tell me that I’m pretty… that they cared about me.”

We learn to love by seeing love modeled. Love is not primarily a feeling. Love is first and foremost action. Saying “I love you” has no meaning if it is not supported by action.

A reader’s survey of Children and Teens Today asked, “What do you see as the major stresses/problems facing today’s teenagers?” The response of 72.4% was: “Problems arising from parental divorce/remarriage.”

Everyday, at least 33,000 Americans become infected with a sexually transmitted disease (STD).

NO ONE ON TELEVISION PAYS THE PRICE OF ILLICIT SEX. YOU ONLY DO THAT IN REAL LIFE.

“What the movies and the soap operas don’t tell us about is the devastation and the broken hearts that occur due to affairs and premarital sex. I do not make light of the consequences of wrong… sexual involvement. Without a doubt, the hardest and most painful thing I’ve gone through… more than major surgery, tests for cancer, a broken family, and numerous job rejections…is getting over a sexual relationship with a married man.”

Sad to say, most young people, even from church families, have not learned about their sexuality in church. Even a greater tragedy, most did not learn about their sexuality at home. They have learned it from television, movies and music. Those are the three great influences on teens.

This year there will be 1.2 million pregnant teenagers. Do you know that it costs federal and state governments an average of 100,000 in medical and welfare costs for every single teen who has a child?

Washington [AP] – Teenage child-bearing cost the nation 16.6 billion last year and the 385,000 babies who were the firstborn to adolescents in 1985 will receive 5 billion in welfare benefits over the next 20 years, according to a study just released.

There are over 30 sexually transmitted diseases every nine months a new one is discovered. Every day, 33,000 Americans will contract an STD.

By 1991 it will cost us an estimated 19 billion a year, just for AIDS. If we combine that with the costs of other STDs we can expect soon to be paying at least 30billion a year for “free sex.”

What about the teenage mother? Her prospects are often dismal. Her chances of finishing school, obtaining a good job, or being happily married are minimal.

What about physical and psychological costs of being born to a teenager? Infant mortality, low birth weight, mental retardation and physical disabilities. The chances of such children being physically abused, or becoming drug-addicted, are much greater than if they were born to older women.

Your mind and emotions are affected whenever you engage in sexual activity. The mind has the capacity to play “reruns” of past sexual experiences, often forcing you to compare a current sexual partner with a previous one. That can occur even when you finally have married and begun a genuine committed relationship. These “ghosts of the past” can be devastating to future intimacy in marriage.

Sex is not a private act! Not when persons practice casual sex behind closed doors and then come out from behind those doors and demand that the government spend billions of dollars on AIDS research. Not when teenagers become pregnant behind closed doors and then pass the costs on to those children and taxpayers.

Dr. Edward Wiesmeier, director of the UCLA Student Health Center, warns students that “once change encounter can infect a person with as many as five different diseases.”

A study of 39 teenage girls who were suffering from anorexia nervosa showed that 36 of them lacked close relationships with their fathers.

Johns Hopkins University found that “young, white, teenage girls living in fatherless families… were 60% more likely to have had intercourse than those living in 2 parent families.

Most parents spend more time watching TV everyday by far than talking and training their kids. One-fourth of all 9th graders said they spend less than 5 minutes a day to talk, play, or just be together with their dad.

Many young people are uncertain of their parents’ love. Fifty percent of high school students wanted to know if their parents loved them.

Of teens from divorced homes, 74% said their parents didn’t try hard enough. Is it surprising that 75% of teenagers said that it was too easy to get a divorce.

Many pregnant teens say wanting ‘a man to hold me’ was their motivation rather than having sexual relations with someone.

What people want is intimacy. A fifteen-year-old girl once described intimacy as “a place where it’s safe to be real.”

We have allowed our culture to dictate to us that the only way you can find intimacy is through the physical. I am personally convinced that most young people use sex as a means of achieving intimacy. They don’t want sex as much as they want closeness with another human being. The tragedy is that people are jumping from one bed to another in their search for intimacy.

Why do people fear intimacy? Because intimacy inevitably brings vulnerability. Many young people repeatedly share their bodies because they are afraid to share themselves. They participate in countless “one-night stands” because they are afraid to be vulnerable.

“There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). What is intriguing is not that the way leads to death, but rather that it “seems so right.”

“We were in love. The commitment made. Ring bought. Date set. Gown ordered. Attendants fitted. Reception planned. Invitations addressed. Showers given. Apartment rented. That was the first mistake, renting the apartment before the wedding. It was no long my parents’ basement or his car. The apartment was ours. We combined hand-me-downs from each side of the family with special pieces of our own. It was now our future home together and mine to care for in the meantime. The privacy was more than we could handle. Hand-holding turned into embraces. Kisses found their way down the neck. No longer could we just sit in the same room; we had to be next to each other, embraced in each others arms. Hands began to wander up and down the back. Hugs involved the entire body. His excitement was obvious and my pleasure verbal. I don’t know what I felt or what I was thinking. I guess our being married shortly was the easiest rationalization. After all, marriage is a commitment, not a ceremony. Or maybe because, clinically, virginity has to do with the actual culminated sex act. Since that never happened, all the other acts of foreplay seemed harmless. But whatever the reason, night after night we engaged in physical foreplay, but not the emotional “lovemaking” needed for a strong marriage. Then something happened. I don’t know quite when, just that it did. The arguments started. We’d yell for a while and then kiss and “make out,” but that solved nothing. We saw each other in a different light. When he saw my fears and insecurities, he tried to cover them with authority and knowledge. Soon, in tears, the ring came off. The wedding plans waned. Then, finally the announcement, first to my parents, then to close friends. The news spread by itself. Gifts were returned. Invitation destroyed. Plans and reservations cancelled. The gown prepared for storage. The rings returned. The commitment shattered. Have I hurt any future relationship by experiencing with one man what will never be the same with any other? Maybe if we would have loved each other more than we loved ourselves, maybe if we could have said no to our desires, maybe if the apartment hadn’t been rented…”

1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 says, “It is God’ will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.”

The younger one starts dating, the more likely he/she is going to have premarital sex prior to graduation from high school.

“To most kids sex is really nothing, so they go ahead and have it just because they like it.”

“Where I live, many of my girl friends and guy friends are involved in sex because they just want to do it. When I ask them why, they usually say it makes them feel good, although some say they do it because their friends are doing it.”

“Sex is a cheap thrill. Having sex is one date that costs very little money and can be done almost anywhere. Life is empty anyway, so ‘go for it!’” The problem with a thrill is that you have to come down. Boredom doesn’t stay away after sex. It keeps coming back.

Mature persons don’t just seek out what will make them feel good for an instant, but rather ask, “Is there a value to this?” before undertaking something.

Teenagers have sex to release stress. Some girls have sex to have a child to have someone to love her. She expects a child to solve her self-image problem, which puts unrealistic expectations on the baby even before it is born.

Teens misunderstand what real love is. Today’s teenagers think love is an act instead of a commitment. Ninety percent of all guy and eight percent of all girls will lose their virginity by age twenty. They have no example of real love in their lives, and many have been taught sex education without morals from grade school on.”

Peer Pressure: “Everyone is Doing It”

“Why wait? It’s the number-one teen question. My parents are always telling me what to do and what not to do. I hate their nagging. Besides, everyone has done it. Nobody’s a virgin.”

Some responses you can give to those who want to pressure you by that reasoning.

1. “Well, I’m not everybody, I’m me. Besides, I don’t really believe everybody is doing it. I think it’s a lot of talk.”

2. “If everyone is doing it, then you shouldn’t have too much trouble finding someone else.”

3. “Yes, I can see that the pregnancy rate of teenagers is fierce.”

4. “Everyone is doing it is a mighty poor excuse for doing something. That pressure doesn’t affect me for the simple reason that I don’t want what ‘everyone’ else has. I don’t want a sexually transmitted disease, a divorce, a broken home, or children bouncing from one parent to another.”

5. “The frequency with which something happens does not accurately indicate its value. For example, let’s say the majority of people develop cancer—does that mean I should be anxious to have cancer? That’s as stupid a response as wanting to have sex because everyone else is.”

One of the most effective deterrents to peer pressure is a good self-image. The secure teen is usually the only one who can withstand peer pressure.

Remember: If our kids can’t talk to us, they will talk to their peers. If we don’t spend time with them, they will spend more time with their peers. If they don’t have intimacy at home, they will seek it among their peers. If they don’t get hugs from dad, they will get hugs from their peers. If we don’t listen to them, their peers will. Teens respond to relationships. That is why they are so responsive to their peers.

Another reason teenagers engage in premarital sex is the music they listen to. The lyrics in rock and country music are suggestive; they talk freely about sex. Countless song lyrics allude to one-night love affairs, part-time lovers, “this night will be a night of magic” and so on.

Sex without marriage so often leads to self-doubts, diseases, unwanted pregnancies, shattered emotions, manipulation and exploitation. Such results are rarely portrayed on TV or in the movies because people don’t want to hear about those things. They want to be told that their promiscuity will lead to happiness, even though it hasn’t up to this point.

David said, “I will set no wicked thing before my eyes” (Psalm 101:3).

Some experts estimate that as much as 70% of all pornography ends up in the possession of children and teenagers.

“Another reason premarital sex is popular is there isn’t too much to be afraid of. If you don’t want consequences, use birth control. If the girl becomes pregnant, hey, just get an abortion. If one of them contracts a venereal disease, no problem, just get a shot.”

“Low self-esteem may drive teenagers to gain approval through sex rather than through acceptance of the truth they are persons of worth because God says so.”

“Being a jock, I had many sexual relationships, but the one thing that really stung me was the hatred that came out of these relationships later. Deep down inside I was really insecure about whether or not I was accepted by girls and whether or not I was a man…The pressures were very strong, so strong that I felt very lonely many times if I “failed” to attract a girl when all of my friends did.”

Often people get involved in sexual relationships because they are feeling lonely, depressed and nobody really cares whether they live or die. They want, at least for a few moments, to be held and feel cared for or important to someone, even if it means having sex to get it.

Less than 10% of the individuals with successful marriages thought good sexual relationships were important in keeping their marriage together. The two top reasons for a lasting marriage were: My spouse is my best friend and I like my spouse as a person.

“The reason I see as the most common for sex before marriage is the overwhelming need to be close to another human being, to make emotional contact, to gain a sense of self-worth, to keep from being lonely and to feel cared for.”

An adolescent who has been involved sexually with various men wrote: “It is far easier to ‘bare your bottom’ than to ‘bare your soul.’” Emotional contact is the goal; sex is the means.

Intimacy is built as a result of trust. Premarital sex easily breaks down that trust factor. Trust is established, and trust leads to vulnerability, and that leads to transparency, and that results in intimacy—a closeness to another person.

Escape is another reason: “Many people try to escape their problems—problems they may be having with friends, or more likely, with their families—by having sex.”

God gives Christians three resources for bringing about change in our lives: the Scriptures, the Holy Spirit and the body of Christ. We need to utilize those resources as much as we can.

Another reason: being cool: “There were no feelings at all, not for each other and not for ourselves. We were basically doing it because it was cool…”

Another was accused of not being a MAN because he was a virgin. What in the world does sex have to do with being a man? A twelve-year-old can have sex. Does that make him a man? I can see it. My German shepherd impregnates another dog, and a fraternity brother exclaims, “Wow, what a man!”

Findings show that those who lived together before marriage were more likely to disagree on such things as recreation, household duties and finances; they were more likely to seek marriage counseling; and they had broken up more often than those who had not lived together before marriage. The leading cause for breakup of cohabitating couples is sexual problems or dissatisfaction.

Sociologists compiled statistics several years ago indicating that 75% of those who live together break up. If you think stability and security are important, you have to look at that figure and say, “That’s not very good.”

The secret of a lasting marriage is for each person to focus on improving himself or herself and the quality of his or her character. In that way, one can become the right person for someone else to find. There’s no shopping involved.

Studies show that 50% of people who get married have been engaged at least once before. So being engaged really means nothing as far as having the security of knowing that you will be married to that person soon.

“Parents need to wake up to the fact that if they don’t show love to their kids, their kids will find love somewhere else—which might lead into premarital sex.”

“I think it’s time kids get the love they need at home, instead of in the back seat of an old Chevy.”

“It is obvious that the emotion teenagers fear most is loneliness. The thought of being without love leads most teenagers to believe that sex leads to love.

“I won’t try to pretend passionate physical exchange isn’t enjoyable. But I do want to say that outside of marriage, the enjoyment is short-lived. And when it is over you are left disappointed, looking for another fix to appease your lust, much like a drug addict craves another hit.”

“When I left my baby at the hospital the day after he was born, I left part of me with him. The problems and hurt caused by premarital sex far outweighed the benefits. I learned this the hard way. The one good thing that happened because of my pregnancy is that I received Jesus as my Savior.”

“The tragic reality among pregnant girls at my school is that many believed they would not conceive because they had sex only once, or they felt that only bad girls get pregnant.”

“The first reason is to increase our joy in the marriage relationship. God wants two virgins, free from guilt or shame, to enter into marriage undefiled. God does not want people burdened down with emotional scars entering into marriage. God desires two people who are so committed to His rules that they will abstain from premarital sex, entering into marriage with the certainty of each other’s purity. That is definite joy!”

“People should wait until marriage to engage in sex, because waiting gives your mind and body time they need to mature.” One of the marks of maturity is the ability to delay immediate gratification. Nonetheless, we live in a microwave society, a culture that insists on instant pleasure and a fast fix. In other words, our society is immature as a whole, and it encourages teenagers to live in the same way.

Involuntary Comparison of Sex Partners

“If I had sex with another girl, there are two things I know would happen. I would never be able to forget her, and because of that, I would compare her with my wife in the future. This would make it harder not only in my sexual relationship with my wife, but I also wouldn’t be able to accept her for her for who she really is. But if there are not past memories on which to base a comparison, then acceptance of my wife is so much easier.”

“My two friends must also deal with the problem of comparing their husbands to the men of their past relationships. Although guilt makes them feel hesitant of inhibited, they also fight the attitude of scorn or rejection for their husbands, who always seem to fall short, not measuring up to idealized memories or previous sexual encounters.”

“One young husband admitted that his relationship with his new wife wasn’t what he had hoped it would be. ‘It’s really my fault,’ he admitted. ‘Before we were married, I had several physical relationships with girlfriends. Now, whenever I kiss my wife or engage in love play, my memory reminds me that this girl could kiss better than my wife, that girl was better at something else and so forth. I can’t concentrate on loving my wife with all that I am—there have been too many women in my life to be wholly committed to one.”

Another man said, “I need your help. I am married to one of the most wonderful women I’ve ever met. I love her. I would do anything for her. But before I became a Christian, I was very active sexually, to the point where my sexual adventures became distorted and rather depraved.” At that point he began crying. “I would do anything, ANYTHING, to forget the sexual experiences I had before I met my wife. When we start having intercourse, the pictures of the past and the other women go though my head, and it’s killing any intimacy. I’m to the point where I don’t want to have sex because I can’t stand those memories. The truth is, I have been married to this wonderful woman for eight years and I have never been ‘alone’ in the bedroom with her.”

Another young man approached Josh McDowell and said, “I used to be sexually involved and look at a lot of pornographic magazines, and it has messed up my marriage. I got so hooked on being turned on by those pictures that I still have to have them. When I go to bed with my wife and have sex with her, I can’t even have an orgasm without a foldout next to her head on the pillow.” The woman’s self-image was destroyed. Her husband was having sex with her, but making love with the person in the picture.

“I remember two long-term relationships I had. I knew they would never amount to anything, but the excitement of sex made me a slave to pleasure. Like a drug, sex demanded heavier dosages to satisfy my desires. I began to use and exploit my girlfriends rather than love them.”

Many young people try to prove their love by sexual surrender. But when a relationship has no more unexplored dimensions, boredom usually sets in along with loss of respect. Sexual compromise is actually the surest way to end a good relationship. Ironically, it is also an effective way to prolong a bad relationship—many people end up marrying the wrong person because of the sexual involvement (a disastrous consequence that affects the rest of their lives).

Some studies show that twice as many engagements are broken among couples who have had intercourse… Furthermore…[these couples] are more likely to be divorced or separated or to indulge in adultery. One way or another, premarital intimacy is more closely connected to broken relationships than to solid ties.

“If I could give any reason as my most persuasive, it would be this: Many have given in to passion, as I did, in the heat of the moment. I have heard many say they regretted this. Other people have waited until they were married. I have yet to hear one of them say they were sorry.”

“Fact: Many men do not want to marry a woman who has had intercourse with someone else.”

“I want to save myself and my virginity for my wedding night. I believe it is a wedding present and a sign of love for my spouse.”

“Being patient about sex gives you the added security that your partner loves you and has based his decision to marry you on your character and qualities, not on heated passion.”