Charles Haddon Spurgeon Quote

“Whatever you may know, you you cannot be truly efficient ministers if you are not "apt to teach." You know ministers who have mistaken their calling, and evidently have no gifts for it: make sure that none think the same of you. There are brethren in the ministry whose speech is intolerable; either they rouse you to wrath, or else they send you to sleep. No chloral can ever equal some discourses in sleep-giving properties; no human being, unless gifted with infinite patience, could long endure to listen to them, and nature does well to give the victim deliverance through sleep. I heard one say the other day that a certain preacher had no more gifts for the ministry than an oyster, and in my own judgment this was a slander on the oyster, for that worthy bivalve shows great discretion in his openings, and knows when to close. If some men were sentenced to hear their own sermons, it would be a righteous judgement upon them, and they would soon cry out with Cain, "My punishment is greater than I can bear." Let us not fall under the same condemnation.”

Johnny and the Cat

Johnny's mother looked out the door and saw Johnny reading
the Bible to his cat. She thought to herself, "Isn't that
sweet? I will not disturb him and will let him continue to
play with the cat."

Sometime later, Mom heard an awful noise and looked out the
door to see Johnny trying to force the cat into a bucket of
water. She loudly said to Johnny, "Johnny, what are you
trying to do with the cat?"

Johnny replied, "I am trying to baptize him!"

His mom said, "Cats don't like to be in water."

Johnny replied, "Well, then he shouldn't have joined my
church."

Biblical Headlines

Biblical Headlines

If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal
media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

Drought Affects Churches

Drought Affects Churches

Severe drought affects churches in northern Alabama,
Tennessee, and northwest Georgia.

Did you know that because of the drought in these areas,
church budgets are greatly affected?

Baptist churches are having to sprinkle for baptisms, the
Methodists are using wet wipes for their baptisms, and the
Catholics are praying that God will turn the wine back into
water.

Christian Humor

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is thereanything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." Answered the lady.

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in theworld. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A preacher parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don'tgive you a ticket I'll lose my job. "Lead us not into temptation.

"There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday andannounced to his congregation: "I have good news and badnews. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for ournew building program. The bad news is, it's still out there inyour pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know -Our Father, who does art in Heaven...

"A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied,"What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." The young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

"Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, thePastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

How Many Christians Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?

How Many Christians Does It Take to Screw in a Lightbulb

Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will come on and go off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light! bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incadescent, flourescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?